Saturday, 27 October 2012
I can look at my wife naked all day and not feel a hint of arousal. Even in the most romantic settings, I can see her completely bared to me, and not get an erection just from looking at her. I know it's said that men are visual creatures, so we can pre-cum just through sight, and I certainly can be that way if I watch porn, but not when I'm in an actual sexual situation with my wife. And I would imagine it would be that way for me with any woman.
I wondered about this for a long time. Am I normal? Is this due to my SSA? Is this something that other guys, whether gay or straight, experience, too? And if I'm no longer leaning toward homosexuality thanks to the work of God in my life, why then am I not aroused by my wife more? I certainly do love her and I am attracted to her on so many levels, but sexually... That's hard to say. That's not to say that I can't get it up for her when it's time to pounce. What I mean is, simply looking at her, naked or however, doesn't do it for me. But I don't think I'm alone in this.
Let's be real, men. Even you ever-straight guys can relate to this, I think. The young woman you dated and later married was probably a lot thinner and more visually appealing than she is now. She may still be very beautiful, but I doubt she still has a model's body, if she ever had one to begin with. I love Mark Driscoll, but he said something one time that I don't agree with, and it's a popular message that I've heard from a lot of people. He said once that physical sexual attraction is a necessary element in any marriage. But I must ask, what does that mean for the guy who married a beautiful young woman, only to watch her balloon up over three hundred pounds in the first ten years of their marriage? What does that mean for the mixed-orientation marriages that are based on love and commitment and contain little sexual attraction? Should SSA strugglers never get married until they can be sexually aroused just by seeing their spouse naked? How would they even know if that's possible unless they get married first?
I'm not aroused by looking at my wife, and I think a lot of men aren't aroused by looking at theirs, either, for whatever reason. But this doesn't mean their sex life has to suck. When a man loves his wife, truly loves her and is attracted to her in other ways, it doesn't have to matter so much whether he's turned on by looking at her or not. She can change her appearance and grow old, and he will still be attracted to and aroused by her. Not for how she looks, but for how she makes him feel.
Sadly, I think the ex-gay community, Christians, and most other people place a lot of importance on visual sexual attraction. With this high importance, male SSA strugglers can easily feel insufficient, inferior, and still gay if they don't feel as aroused by looking at a naked woman as they think people expect them to. If Christians really want to help people sort through their experiences and feelings, they need to completely lay off visual arousal. Visual sexual attraction is a nice bonus in a marriage, but it is not required to have a good marriage or great sex.
So you SSA guys out there who are wondering about your futures and the possibility of getting married, fear not! Don't worry about sexual attraction. Concern yourself first with loving the woman and being attracted to her in other ways. The arousal will follow the lead of your heart.
And remember, sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good.