Saturday, 27 October 2012
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The Nature of Sexual Attraction
I can look at my wife naked all day and not feel a hint of arousal. Even in the most romantic settings, I can see her completely bared to me, and not get an erection just from looking at her. I know it's said that men are visual creatures, so we can pre-cum just through sight, and I certainly can be that way if I watch porn, but not when I'm in an actual sexual situation with my wife. And I would imagine it would be that way for me with any woman.
I wondered about this for a long time. Am I normal? Is this due to my SSA? Is this something that other guys, whether gay or straight, experience, too? And if I'm no longer leaning toward homosexuality thanks to the work of God in my life, why then am I not aroused by my wife more? I certainly do love her and I am attracted to her on so many levels, but sexually... That's hard to say. That's not to say that I can't get it up for her when it's time to pounce. What I mean is, simply looking at her, naked or however, doesn't do it for me. But I don't think I'm alone in this.
Let's be real, men. Even you ever-straight guys can relate to this, I think. The young woman you dated and later married was probably a lot thinner and more visually appealing than she is now. She may still be very beautiful, but I doubt she still has a model's body, if she ever had one to begin with. I love Mark Driscoll, but he said something one time that I don't agree with, and it's a popular message that I've heard from a lot of people. He said once that physical sexual attraction is a necessary element in any marriage. But I must ask, what does that mean for the guy who married a beautiful young woman, only to watch her balloon up over three hundred pounds in the first ten years of their marriage? What does that mean for the mixed-orientation marriages that are based on love and commitment and contain little sexual attraction? Should SSA strugglers never get married until they can be sexually aroused just by seeing their spouse naked? How would they even know if that's possible unless they get married first?
I'm not aroused by looking at my wife, and I think a lot of men aren't aroused by looking at theirs, either, for whatever reason. But this doesn't mean their sex life has to suck. When a man loves his wife, truly loves her and is attracted to her in other ways, it doesn't have to matter so much whether he's turned on by looking at her or not. She can change her appearance and grow old, and he will still be attracted to and aroused by her. Not for how she looks, but for how she makes him feel.
Sadly, I think the ex-gay community, Christians, and most other people place a lot of importance on visual sexual attraction. With this high importance, male SSA strugglers can easily feel insufficient, inferior, and still gay if they don't feel as aroused by looking at a naked woman as they think people expect them to. If Christians really want to help people sort through their experiences and feelings, they need to completely lay off visual arousal. Visual sexual attraction is a nice bonus in a marriage, but it is not required to have a good marriage or great sex.
So you SSA guys out there who are wondering about your futures and the possibility of getting married, fear not! Don't worry about sexual attraction. Concern yourself first with loving the woman and being attracted to her in other ways. The arousal will follow the lead of your heart.
And remember, sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good.
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Comments (9)
Enjoy your posts as always!
"Sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good." I am glad you added that. On Thursday they brought in pizza at work, it wasn't exactly the best but it was still pretty good. I know, I had 5 pieces!
Your post is so refreshing. I have never been married so can't speak to the sexual attraction part. What you have shared is something that I have never thought of or heard anyone else articulate. It takes the pressure off to not worry about sexual attraction. Well said.
Since this post directly responded to my unasked questions I must thank you for your continual thoughtfulness and boldness to speak out on these issues. Your experience and perspective are greatly appreciated and needed!
Have actually been thinking a lot about this...facet...lately. Reading this felt like perfect timing. Your honesty was enlightening and refreshing. Many thanks!
This is really interesting. So something related to this is my desire to see all the time the beauty that my wife reveals...for the rest of our lives together. I'm divorced and was mostly physically attracted to my wife while married, surprisingly to me even after she put on weight after our daughter was born. I don't think I was stimulated by her nakedness alone, but by her interaction with me...little mating routines we developed over time.
In seasons when I had positive emotions in response to our interactions then I could notice her beauty. When my emotional response to what she offered me was negative, I had difficulty in seeing her beauty.
The older I get I recognize that beauty (and perhaps sexual arousal) are not objective, but relational. I've heard that women are much more sensitive to emotions in relationship and that can impact their sex life, but I noticed I'm impacted by it too (and suspect many men are).
Great post...its honest...thanks!
I suppose I would be the black sheep in this situation but I know exactly what you are talking about. Of course I am not married, and in fact the relationship I'm in is actually with a man, but that would seem to be irrelevant on this point.
Now a little tid bit about me is that I am aroused incredibly easily but my partner and I rarely have sexual relations. I find that I am less and less aroused by viewing him naked, but my general attraction to him does not fade; it may in fact be increasing. I am very affectionate with him and love him dearly. I definitely do not think that sex is the most important aspect to any relationship.
I agree that too many people including Christians emphasize the importance of sex in a marriage. I think what is most important is communication and affection as expressions of gratitude and an overflow of love. Unconditional love.
Of course every monogamous relationship is exclusive and unique, but I think they all contain the same basic components. I don't think mere nakedness will always be a turn on in most relationships as they lengthen. But for every person, sexual desire is brought about in different ways and as long as the hormones are kicking, the sexual desire will be there in one form or the other.
I really hope that no one takes this as a green light to get married if there is no physical desire there. If that's the case, the couple had better have some very honest conversations about what is expected and what can be delivered in the relationship. Many women tie their ability to attract their mate physically with their level of self esteem. I would hate for my mate not to want to be physical with me.
@StanEW - there has to be some level of attraction for the sex to happen--otherwise your slice of pizza will turn out quite soggy and, well, limp.
I utterly attitude and revalue your bushel on each and every target.resources